WaT All I Need
by Mariel3
Summary: More Christmas angst. A sequel to last year's Kiss Her Once for Me JS


Hi there. Another quickie - lastkidpicked posted the lyrics, and I figured I might as well do something with them. This little ditty will make more sense if you read last year's "Kiss Her Once for Me". If you can take the time to read that one first, the effect will be better.

Trust me, okay? :>

So here it is...a little Christmas angst - my early gift to you, along with wishes for a Happy Holiday and a wonderful New Year....

Diane, thanks for the beta-ing and the encouraging words this year. The song is "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. No infringement of any rights intended. Heck, I don't even know the tune....

All I Need  
By: Mariel

_ I don't want a lot for Christmas  
There is just one thing I need  
I don't care about the presents  
Underneath the Christmas tree  
I just want you for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true  
All I want for Christmas is you_

Samantha sat at a table at the annual F.B.I. staff Christmas party. As always, the lights were low and the music loud, and conversations and laughter filled the air. She had wondered if she should come. Wondered how she would manage. And decided she should - at least for a while. Her forefinger following the poinsettia pattern on the tablecloth, her thoughts drifted, and the sounds surrounding her faded...

_ I don't want a lot for Christmas  
There is just one thing I need  
And I don't care about the presents  
Underneath the Christmas tree_

This had always been a strange time of year for her. As a child, Christmas had been magical and filled with hope and surprises and laughter. As a teenager, it had been more of a struggle, a time of forced levity while she fought against her existence. Now, as an adult, the season had been different, it seemed, almost every year.

As the song said, however, she didn't care about the presents. Never had. There was only one thing she needed for Christmas, and it was lost to her..

_ I don't need to hang my stocking  
There upon the fireplace  
Santa Claus won't make me happy  
With a toy on Christmas day_

It was no toy she wanted, though it was perhaps a toy she had received. Wrapped nicely in a pink shirt and expensive suit jacket, Martin sat down quietly beside her. A gift for the taking.

A gift she was uncertain of.

_ I just want you for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true  
All I want for Christmas is you_

She smiled at him briefly, then went back to watching her finger follow the pattern, over and over. She knew he was hers if she wanted. Knew how he felt, though she was unsure of its depth. Someday, she thought, she would probably take him up on his unspoken offer, take advantage of the refuge.

Some day.

_ I won't ask for much this Christmas  
I won't even wish for snow  
And I, I just wanna keep on waiting  
Underneath the mistletoe_

He asked her to dance, and she nodded. Rising, they walked to the dance floor, his hand on the small of her back. She knew it was a statement, knew he was staking his claim, and felt too detached to do anything about it. When Jack had walked with her thus, she had known it was as natural a thing for him as breathing. With Martin, it was a gesture of ownership. She supposed there was no harm in allowing him that.

It was the least she could do, she supposed.

As Martin gathered her into his arms, she looked past his shoulder and caught sight of the eyes she had been waiting for.

_ I won't make a list and send it  
To the North Pole for St. Nick  
I won't even stay awake  
To hear those magic reindeer click_

She held the gaze of those dark eyes firmly, broke it when Martin turned her around, then recaptured it when she faced the right way again. On the list she had never written of things she needed, the man standing across the room, hands in pocket, back leaning against the wall...he was on the top.

And as impossible to have as magic reindeer on the roof.

_ Cause I just want you here tonight  
Holding onto me so tight  
What more can I do  
Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you_

Martin tightened his grip and pulled her closer. For a moment, she closed her eyes, pretending to feel a familiar warmth, a familiar embrace. When she opened them again, she sought and found again the dark eyes she wanted to drown in.

Oh, baby...

_ All the lights are shining  
So brightly everywhere  
And the sound of children's  
Laughter fills the air_

There were reasons for everything, and she knew the two reasons for this. Still, there were times it was small comfort that this was the noble thing to do, the right thing to do.

But they had agreed. And so she was here, and he was there, and it was the way it had to be.

The sad way it had to be.

_ And everyone is singing  
I hear those sleigh bells ringing  
Santa won't you bring me  
The one I really need  
Won't you please bring my baby to me, quickly_

She remembered him knocking at her door after the Christmas party a few years ago. Remembered standing under the mistletoe she had laughingly put up when he had visited the week before. Remembered the feel of his mouth against hers, the feel of his warmth seeping through his clothes and meeting with hers. She remembered the feeling of being so totally alive it took her breath away. She closed her eyes at the sweetness of what they'd had and been forced to give up. Unconsciously, she pressed herself against her dance partner, seeking to recapture those feelings she feared she'd never have again.

_ I don't want a lot for Christmas  
This is all I'm asking for  
I just wanna see my baby  
Standing right outside my door_

But the body she leaned into wasn't the right one. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how much she thought it might be a possibility, she couldn't yet accept it. Martin was nice. He was sweet. He was smart and earnest and kind and thoughtful.

...But she couldn't imagine feeling for Martin what she felt when she opened the door for Jack. Couldn't imagine her heart leaping out to greet him. Couldn't imagine her pulse quickening or having her whole being fill with joy at the sight of him. She wished with all her might to go back in time....

_ I just want you for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true  
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you_

Jack was still there, still leaning against the wall, watching. Her fingers dug into Martin's suit jacket, and a part of her again wanted to pretend...But oh, God, it wasn't the same, wouldn't ever be the same, and she wasn't sure but what it was better to do without than to have, but need to pretend.

_ All I want for Christmas is you, baby..._

All I want for Christmas is you, baby. Her gaze never faltering, she mouthed the words silently, sending a message to him in song.

_ All I want for Christmas is you ... _

End  
All I Need  
By: Mariel


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